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Paula Love
15 January 2014 @ 10:53 am
There is something to be said about quitting while you're ahead. Getting out while you still can. Leaving before you're left.

The story of Dave and I lasted 6 months until he got his orders to be stationed in Bahrain for a year. He decided that he needed to be unattached for this assignment. It's a new job, and it's halfway around the world, and he couldn't be bothered with a relationship while all of these things were happening in his life. I get it. I mean, I try to. We knew from the beginning that this situation wasn't ideal, and that it likely had an expiration date on it; but there was still a small part of me that wanted to believe that he was going to whisk me away across the ocean with him. Or at least that he would think our relationship was so great that it was something worth maintaining for a year while he was gone. From a sensible perspective, this is for the best. We ended on good terms, before the missed phone calls, and the resentment of him accepting this position, and the stress that not seeing each other for months and months was able to seep in and spoil something great. Ending things this way means that I can see other people while he is gone, and if I should meet someone remarkable, I don't have to feel guilty about wanting to see where that leads. It leaves a door open for unknown possibilities upon his return in February of 2015. It is, well, it is what it is. Even though it was the best way for it to end, it doesn't suck any less.

My best friend and her husband have separated. She moved in with me Thanksgiving weekend while she sorted out her feelings. After a series of ups and downs that are not at all unexpected in the course of a decision of this magnitude, she decided after Christmas to sever the ties and tell him she wasn't coming back. Divorce. The couple that I went to Epcot with mere months ago, who most would consider "the perfect couple" is no longer happy. I get it though, from an inside perspective, nothing and no one is perfect. We always assume a relationship is perfect because we only see what is on the surface, and often, only what they want us to see. Everyone has problems. Everyone feels things differently. One thing she told me that really resonates with me still today, was that she was afraid that when people found out they were splitting up, that their illusions of a perfectly happy married couple would be shattered, and she didn't want to do that to people who looked toward them as inspiration and a model of a perfect relationship. I understand why she feels that way, and perhaps if I was in that situation I would feel the same. But I can't help but think of how that could help people, not hurt them. I think that people need to be reminded that even the most perfect relationships are not infallible. Relationships are hard. They take work, and sometimes, even the best ones can't be fixed or saved. It reminds you that love is something that takes a lot of work, and attention, and tending to, yet at the same time is absolutely out of your control. But anyway, I just thought that it was worth mentioning, that even when everything is perfect, happiness isn't guaranteed.

The holidays were particularly hard this year. The break up with Dave happened mid-December, and then I was overwhelmed with finals; I didn't really have time to process it before he came to see me on his way to NY. The verdict is still out on whether that was a smart idea or not, but it's over and done with now. He spent the night in Virginia a few days before Christmas, and it was difficult. Knowing that someone is pushing you away with their actions and their words is one thing, but seeing it in their eyes is another. They have to push you away because it's easier for them to deal with things that way. I saw in his eyes that he didn't look at me the same way that he used to. He didn't hold me the same way, or kiss me the same way. Most of the time he was there was difficult for me, but I knew it was over and it was probably for the best that I experienced that first hand, it would help me move on. Until the morning. I woke up to the sun shining in the window, and him looking at me with lovers eyes. Maybe he was too tired to fight it anymore, and his walls were down. But we laid in bed that morning and I could tell he still cared about me, which made it worse. He left that morning and we said goodbye, and it just felt so abrupt. It didn't feel like a good enough goodbye. There was really no time to think much about it though. That was my last day of work for the year, and I had packing and cleaning, and Christmas to prepare for. A few days later Mandy and I embarked on our journey north and spent 11 days in Syracuse with my family and friends.

I have mixed feelings about Syracuse. There is a feeling that comes over me when I get to the 481 exit on 81 north, driving into the city. When you come over the hill from the valley and see the city for the first time. Usually I am arriving at night, and the lights of the skyline welcome me home. The empty lanes of 81 usher me into the heart of downtown, and I get this overwhelming sense of familiarity, that is so calming. This feeling of relief. I am home, finally. I'm so excited to see my family, and my friends, and my city. I visit my favorite bar, and walk the streets of Armory Square. Even at night, in the subzero temperatures, it's refreshing. I have to be careful sometimes not to get frostbite, because I could stand out there for hours. And then a week goes by, and something changes. I notice a building is gone, or a new one has appeared. A business has moved, a house I played in as a kid has been sold... The city has changed, as they often do. Suddenly I don't feel calm anymore. It hits me, and I am reminded that life goes on without me. This isn't my city anymore, it belongs to a generation younger than me. In that moment, I no longer feel at home, and I begin to panic and scratch at the walls until I can get out. I load the car and rush back to Virginia. The gas is cheaper, the weather is warmer, the sun is shining, and I think yes, this is where I belong. This is my home now. I am calm.

But it doesn't last. And I tell myself that everything will be OK when I get back into my routine. So I get up and I go to work, and to class, and to the gym, and home. Everyday waiting for the calm to come back. Everyday waiting for the next Dave, or the next trip, or adventure, or the next...anything to make me feel content again.
 
 
Paula Love
04 January 2014 @ 12:54 pm
Night out at the bar, had a good time I guess, but not feeling too good about myself lately. Just don’t think it’s the scene for me. Seeing attractive guys and knowing they’d never take a second glance at me makes me not even want to go out at all. I just come home and crawl Into bed alone and feel sorry for myself, and I hate everything about it. I just don’t want to be here anymore. I want to go somewhere new where no one knows me. I just want to isolate.
 
 
Paula Love
06 September 2013 @ 02:56 pm
This story starts 76 days ago, on June 22nd, 2013, actually, a few days before that. Shortly after Christmas last year, I deleted my Facebook account in attempts to purge my life of the things that were reminiscent of last year's transgressions. I was off the grid for a few months, and then (at the beginning of March I think?) I rejoined the social media world. Instead of just deactivating my account, and firing it back up again, I chose to delete it entirely, along with all the pictures I was tagged in from people I was no longer friends with. I decided to start fresh, so that I could be more selective in who I added as a friend online. In doing so, I relied heavily on the "People You May Know" tab. While scanning through, I came across a friend from my younger years, who I hadn't talked to in a long, long time named Dave. Dave and I were in something called CCYM (Conference Council on Youth Ministry) together in our high school years. It was a sort of youth group, made up of United Methodist teenagers from all across the Central New York conference. Dave was from Whitesboro, NY. We knew each other really well, all those years ago and traveled to Washington D.C. and Knoxville, TN together for youth rallies and other spiritually engaging retreats. Eventually, college came around and we all went our separate ways, him to RIT and then into the Navy, and me, anywhere but a straight line. I'd kind of been aware of him for the years between then and now, I knew he was in Corpus Christi for a while, and that's about it. I decided to add him on FB, and see how he was doing. We went through the obligatory "How have you been, what have you been up to" FB message exchange, and then I kind of assumed it would end up being like most FB friendships, where you never speak again, but remain unnaturally aware of what is happening in their lives, but I couldn't be more wrong.

Over the course of the next couple of weeks, we ended up chatting on FB messenger throughout the work day. It seems he had just gotten back from Japan with the Navy and had found himself stuck in a sort of desk job until awaiting further orders from Uncle Sam. I figured he was just bored. Then, toward the end of June, he asked me where I lived in Virginia, and mentioned that he was driving from Jacksonville, FL to upstate New York the next week for 2 weeks of leave with his family. He had to drive instead of flying because his sister had been dog sitting while he was in Japan, and he needed to bring his dog back to Florida with him. He asked if he could stop through Harrisonburg on his way up, and I said of course, and invited him to crash at my house en route. There was no sense in paying for a hotel when I was literally right along the way. So it was set, and on June 22nd, we saw each other for the first time in 7 years. We caught up and chatted for a bit, and then headed downtown to meet some of my friends at the bar for drinks. He had to get on the road fairly early the next day to finish his drive to NY, but both of us knew that this weekend had sparked something that neither of us had anticipated. He would be in NY for 2 weeks, and would be returning to Florida the weekend after 4th of July. We agreed that he would stay with me again on the way down, and he did. We talked every single day for those two weeks. Good morning texts, goodnight texts, and everything in between.

We decided that the next logical step was for me to come down to Jacksonville and visit at the end of August. So 6 long and impatient weeks went by, and off to Florida I went. I won't get into the details of the trip, but it was amazing. It was probably the best vacation, or adventure I have ever had. There were moments full of romance, and there were moments where I felt like I was just hanging out with my best friend. Every second of it was great. After 4 1/2 days of being together, I got on a plane, and came home to Virginia already planning our next adventure. He is coming to Virginia in 2 weeks for the weekend for my birthday, and then at the end of October my best friend Mandy, Hunter (her husband) and I are flying to Jacksonville to spend the weekend with Dave and go to the Food & Wine Festival at Epcot. Being in a long-distance whatever (not entirely sure we've defined it as a relationship yet, but it is what it is) is not ideal, and I am being reminded of all those years spent on opposite coasts with Matt; skyping and calling and IMing and texting and rarely ever just being together. But for the time being, this feels right, and I'm going to roll with it and see where it goes. Long distance works if you put the time and effort in, and both parties contribute equally. Also, when in a long distance relationship, it doesn't hurt that one of you is a pilot :)

We'll see where this goes, but I am happy, and that is what it's all about, right?
 
 
Paula Love
19 June 2013 @ 04:03 pm
There appears to be a cycle in which I write in this journal for a few months, and then something happens, or something distracts me and I forget about it. And then a year later, I rediscover it, and read back through the previous times posts and decide I should start writing again. I like this little cycle. I hope that Livejournal never goes bankrupt, and the site never goes black, because so much of my life's perspective I gain from reading these things. I always think it's interesting that I will look back on a period of time in my life and think "Man, I really had it together then. Things were really going well" and then I will find this ol' boy and read it and realize that I was really just as fucked up and a mess then as I am now. The scenery and cast change, but the plot really stays the same, doesn't it? Speaking of perspective, I am in dire need of some. Oh faithful Livejournal, aid me in this endeavor. Except the thing with the kind of perspective Livejournal gives you, is that you have to wait 11 months for it to kick in. Well, here's to you future Paula, you are 26, about to turn 27, and my guess is that you still don't have anything figured out, and that is okay by me.

There is virtually nothing about my life that is the same as it was the last time I wrote in here. I looked back on my last post, which was July 10th of last year, and I laughed, a somewhat bittersweet laugh, because the very next day, the first domino in the demise of mine and Jacob's relationship tipped over. It was all downhill from there. It's a long story, and it's bloody and gorey and I won't go into it in depth because frankly, I don't like talking about it. The highlights are that we started fighting a lot, and he became more distant, and at the same time (ironically not related) my anxiety started getting bad, and it was just too much for him to take (so he says). We broke up, and I struggled really badly for the next couple of weeks thinking that maybe if I just hadn't been a mess, and hadn't had panic attacks about my job, and was not afflicted with the mental illness monkey on my back, that things would have been ok. And then I found out that he had been seeing someone else since about a week before we broke up and was with her still. That didn't sit well with me, and I didn't behave in the most mature way possible. There was a lot of name calling and some pretty horrible things said on my part. There was a lot of nothing said on his part, which was equally as difficult. I guess I just needed him to see what a mistake he made, and to admit it, and until i realized that wasn't going to happen, I was setting myself up for a pretty bad go of it.

Shortly after we split up, I got a new job here on campus. I will be so bold to say that this job may have saved my life. August was a really, really bad month for me. The Jacob breakup perpetuated an already bad situation. My job, my friends, and my life was in a place where I really couldn't see redemption on the horizon. I was suffering from a lot of panic attacks, and some heavy depression that was taking me down a dark path. Luckily, I was still strong enough to know that I wasn't able to do this on my own, and I sought the help I needed. I spent some time in the Psychiatric wing of the hospital when i felt like things were going really badly. I got hooked up with a counselor, and some prescription anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medicines. While in most cases it is the last thing you want to do, I actually made myself better by letting go of a lot of people in my life I used to call friends. It was just time. These people never would have been my friends if it weren't for circumstance and proximity. I knew that they were never strong enough friendships to build anything on. They were people who were close by, and who were nice. We had nothing in common, and came from very different backgrounds, and were at very different places in our lives. I don't want to sound so degrading but they served their purpose, and they were there when i needed them, and then it became time to move on.

More about the job though...suffice to say, things did not get better in the Business Office, they got worse. I eventually got to the point where I applied for anything that became available. I applied for a job in the Admissions Office that was a significant pay cut from my (at the time) current job. I interviewed and they went with someone from within their office already, which was understandable. Then a job was posted in CARS (the Center for Assessment and Research Studies) which I knew NOTHING about. It was a full time Administrative Assistant job, in an academic office on campus called CARS. That was all I knew. I got an interview, and really liked the people that I met with (the director and assistant director). They talked a little bit about what they do in the center and I really felt comfortable with them. We talked a while about things that don't pertain to the job description but about us in general. They really liked me. A few days later I got a call, and they offered me the job. They said in the voice mail that they considered themselves really lucky to have found someone like me. After the most unappreciated, miserable 3 years of my life, I can't tell you how incredible that felt. I accepted immediately. It was also a bonus that it was a little bit more pay than what I was currently making. Brandon was out of the office the week i interviewed and got the job, IRONICALLY he was adopting another baby. I wrote my letter of resignation and was in his doorway at 8am the day he got back. I said "I hope you enjoyed your trip, congratulations on the new baby, here's my letter of resignation, September 6th will be my last day" and walked out while he picked himself up off the floor.

The new job didn't solve everything. There was still a lot of resentment toward Jacob and a bit of bad behavior on my part trying to work through that and come to terms with it, and my anxiety and insecurities still follow me to this day, but I worked through it over the fall. I started on a new career path and switched my major toward counseling and psychology and I'm much happier. I finished up the fall and spring semesters at the community college here and transferred into JMU this summer. I am almost done with my first course as a JMU student. My degree program major is "College Student Development" and I am engaged and excited for what comes next. I work with some really incredible and intelligent faculty member, and some awesome graduate assistants who have become good friends of mine.

In December of 2012, I deleted my prior group of friends (Deanna, Steve, etc...) and started fresh. In March, I forgave Jacob and told him that I wished him well, and I let go. There is still a small part of me that hopes one day he will realize what a mistake he made, but it no longer occupies my thoughts. Through counseling I learned that you and you alone are responsible for your feelings, and that no one can change that without your permission. I met someone named Mandy, who taught me what it feels like to have a really amazing best friend, and her husband, who together show me what kind of marriage I hope to have one day. I've been in this job for 9 months, and it's not perfect, but I am appreciated, and I will never take that for granted again. 
 
 
Paula Love
10 July 2012 @ 11:49 pm

I’m laying here in bed, feeling it. This incredible desire to say it came over me. I knew I shouldnt. But I had to talk to him. It’s late. I shouldn’t call. I’ll wake him probably. I just want to hear his voice. No. I want him here. In my arms, next to me in bed. I want to wake up next to him everyday forever and always. I’ll text him, that’s close enough. I can’t say it. He’ll freak, it’s too soon. 5 months. He still has open wounds from before me. I settle instead for “I was thinkig about you and hoping you had a good day.” he starts to tell me about his day. My heart is racing. I don’t want to hear about your day. That’s not why I, not what I meant to say. He says he’s going to sleep and we’ll talk tomorrow. I text back “night babe” and then whisper into my pillow “I love you.”
My heart is still racing.

Not today.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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Paula Love
06 July 2012 @ 01:18 pm
I'll start this post by saying that I am at work, killing time between phone calls. So if my train of thought seems to meander, it's probably because I got interrupted with actual work that I am supposed to be doing. Let's see, where to begin.

Work: My job is growing ever so tiring. I have become really unhappy here. I love what I do, but I don't care for the people or the general attitude in the office. I don't like how corrupt our managers are and I have been told multiple times by my supervisor to bend the rules, only to then get chewed out for it later on while he stands idly by, not standing up for me or saying a word. The rest of my coworkers are nice if you take them at face value, but most of them are horrid gossips. I can tolerate your run of the mill gossiper if it's just because they feel the need to know everything, but some of these people are gossiping with malicious intent. I don't want any part of it. I shouldn't have to come to work and have such a negative vibe surrounding me all the time. The way we do business is also very frustrating. There is a good way to do it, and an average way to do it, and we go out of our way to do it poorly with the most complications possible. It's really made me become quite jaded as far as technology in higher education is concerned. I used to be inspired by new technology and that's been what has driven my passion for this field of work. Now I find myself saying "Why bother finding out about the newest and coolest solutions, we'll never use them here." I hate that I have become so cynical so early in my career. Something needs to change. I applied for a new job today. Here at the university, but in a different department. The title of the job is "Technology Manager" which is pretty vague, but seems like something I can handle from the job description. It's double what I make now in salary, so that's an added bonus.

School: As a result of the attitude I have acquired from my work, I have become somewhat lazy in my studies. I did poorly last semester, which was a big blow to my ego. I have always been a good student (when I try) typically getting A's and B's. I won't tell you what I got in these classes, but I'll be retaking one of them at least. Partially it was my own fault for exceeding what I knew I was capable of. I had originally planned to take the Spring semester off following a bad RA spell in early January. I felt a bit better by March and decided to snag a few second 8 week classes. I decided to take them both online, and one of them was an economics class. It was simply too much work, in too short of a time frame and I fell behind early on and got discouraged and gave up. So I took the summer off, and I am collecting my thoughts and energy and hoping that I can go into Fall full speed and have a successful semester. I need to bring my GPA back up, as well as reignite the fire under my butt. I just want to be inspired by learning again. Or really be inspired by anything. I think a new job might shake things up and cause me to have a renewed excitement for technology which could help my grades.

Love: I am going to go as far as saying that it has become just that, love. This past weekend we celebrated our 5th month anniversary (we didn't actually celebrate, because it's 5 months and that would be weird) but we went to New York for vacation and visited my family members and friends. Our anniversary just happened to end up falling on the day we were driving to Syracuse. For my anniversary present, he offered to drive 6 hours and me only drive one. He also bought me a fancy dinner through the drive thru at McDonalds. I am easy to please. We had a great time with my mom and everyone seemed to love Jacob. He seemed a bit overwhelmed most of the time, but he assures me he had a really enjoyable time. Overall, things are going remarkably well for us. I am shocked, because I have never had a relationship that felt this right, or this easy. We work at it, it doesn't have everything to do with fate. But we both have always been honest with each other and we talk about everything that comes up immediately. We have had one contentious week, but moved past it very easily. I think we were both just getting scared. But the bottom line is that he is good to me, and he makes me laugh, and I can't imagine him not being in my life. I call that love.

Overall, things are good. I still feel an imbalance in my life that I need to resolve before I can feel completely blissful. I am very happy in certain areas of my life, and very unhappy in others. I have a few friendships I feel are falling apart and I don't know what to do to save them. As I mentioned before, I am unhappy with work. Money is a constant stressor in my life. All of the stressful things cause my health to deteriorate and that takes a hardship on my job, and my relationships. It's all a domino effect really. Which is why it's crucial for me to have peace in my life all around. That's what I will be working on over the next few months.
 
 
Paula Love
11 March 2012 @ 09:47 pm

What an exhausting, but good weekend. Friday evening I came home from work and was basically planning on hitting the couch and watching the SU game. I had a miserable week at work, I'm struggling to stay above water at my job lately and I really am losing any ambition to keep treading. Hadn't seen much of Jacob all week, other than Monday night. He came over to watch the game with me and stayed over night. We had to get up über early in the morning because we were heading up to Northern Va to go to his god children's second birthday party. I had been up there with him once before and met his best fried Nick and his wife April. They have two adorable twins. I was pretty thrilled that Jacob wanted me to go with him to the party, I feel like that means that he considers me an important part of his life. We had a good time, I really like April, she's a sweetheart. Nick on the other hand can be a lot to take in from time to time. It doesn't help that Jacob is kind of growing apart from him right now, so there is a weird vibe all together. I feel like nick and I are not ever going to be buddies. He probaby prefers Jacob date a partier or a more exciting girl like his ex's in the past have been. So the party was good, there were some cute pictures taken of the kids and of us. We Finally headed back from Gainseville around 3 and headed to the house to lounge until poker. Every Saturday night Jacob and his friends play poker and basically every Saturday since we started dating he has taken me with him. I really like to go even though I don't know how to play poker. I like his friends a lot. We always laugh and have a good time. So we ended up going to poker at about 10, and long story short, we're there til about 4am! Daylight savings played a little into that, but it was insane. I feel like such an old person saying that it was way too late but it was definitely the latest I have stayed up in a long time. Especially since we got up at 7:30 the previous morning. So we cruised back to his house and I stayed the night there because there was no way I was going to make it another 20 minutes for the drive to my house. I left there this am and and home and have been sick in bed all day. No doubt that my body and immune system are in shock from the lack of sleep. I havent been too kind to my illness since I started dating Jacob. I've been all over the place and not really sticking to any kind of routine. I need to start being better about that.

All in all it was a really good weekend, and things are going better than ever with the guy. We are.currently discussing the possibility of him coming to new York with me for Easter. We will see!

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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Current Mood: exhausted
 
 
Paula Love
16 February 2012 @ 04:07 pm
So, I'm sure most are familiar with the idea that good things happen when you least expect them, and that you meet the person of your dreams as soon as you stop looking? I had never bought much stock in those types of sayings until now. I am a believer.

Oer the past 2 years of being single, I have really turned away just about every opportunity I had to meet someone new. Whether I realized it or not, I was not ready emotionally to be open to the idea of love. I had been hurt enough that my defenses took over and I built a wall. Just recently I decided to start dating again. I immediately began to regret this decision.

At the beginning of December, I started talking to a guy, who I had known for a while and was recently going through a divorce/seperation from his wife. We started talking more as friends and then began hanging out with the potential for more. I had already decided that I was not going to pursue anything more than friendship with him until after March when their divorce was final, because that's not the kind of girl I am. And things were going ok for a while. To make a long and ridiculous story short, I decided he was way too overwhelming and that I was not interested. He texted me many, many times a day to ask if I was thinking about him and that's just not how I roll. I am the opposite of needy and have no patience for that type of insecuriries in other people. Maybe I am harsh, but I felt like this was not going to end up well so why waste any more time. He also was not pleased with my decision to not have sex with him while he was still legally married. It's a matter of principle. And my feeling is that if you can't wait 3 months until you're no longer married to have sex with someone else, then maybe you're not emotionally ready for a relationship. Sounds to me like you just want to get it in. So I kind of stopped talking to him. THEN I find out that the reason he and his wife were splitting was because he had an affair....with a man. So, I guess I dodged a bullet there.

I had decided that this was a perfect example of why I wasn't open to dating. But a friend of mine pleaded with me for one last shot. She had offered to set me up with a friend of her and her fiance's who was recently single. I had seen him at her housewarming party and thought he was cute, so I agreed. We ended up having lunch on a Sunday. we met at 12:30 at the cafe and were there until 5pm talking. I knew immediately that I made the right decision. That was almost 4 weeks ago, and we've been together ever since. We've spent almost all of our free time together and I can't tell you a time where I was happier than I am right now. He is incredible. We're so compatible, he makes me laugh, and I lay awake in bed at night staring at the ceiling with a stupid grin on my face, thinking of all the things I want to do and places I want to go with him. For those of you who know me well, will understand why this is such a big deal. I don't fall in love easily (I'm not saying I'm in love, it has only been 4 weeks) and I don't let people in. I am a fairly closed off person and I don't like to get close to people because I am always afraid they are going to hurt me. Even with Matt, after 8 years, I kept him at a perfect distance where I was certain not to get hurt too badly. This is new. This is a terrifying and amazing feeling. I want to see him, and be around him all the time.

I could probably write a novel right now about how amazing I feel, and all the wonderful things about Jacob, but they wouldn't be enough. Thanks everyone for bearing with me through this silly romantical post. I wanted some place to document this so I can look back on it and remember when the next chapter of my life began.
 
 
Paula Love
31 January 2012 @ 10:23 am
I feel like I am always inclined to write in my journal when I have a bad day, so how about the opposite this time. Yesterday was a really good day overall. Nothing special happened, but I felt really good when I went to bed. I got up and went to work in the morning like usual. Even though I was running late, I still looked really put together. I always feel like the day will be better if I look nice. I had a yogurt and a water for breakfast, and got a lot accomplished in the morning at work. I had pasta with alfredo and a small ceasar salad for lunch with my one diet coke for the day (new years resolution). After lunch I went back to work and managed to get even more done. I have been slacking at work a lot lately so this was a good thing. After work I went to the grocery store and got a few items, and went and got my hair cut. I needed a trim, and my eyebrows done. The lady who was working was kind of sketchy looking. I always hesitate to get my hair cut by someone who doesn't look like they even know how to brush their hair. But I trusted her and she ended up being really quite wonderful. I really liked her and will probably go back. Nothing fancy with my hair cut, just a trim of an inch off the back and 1/2 an inch off the sides. After the haircut, I went tanning. I don't tan a lot, because #1 it's expensive, #2  it's not good for you, and #3 I don't want to look like a guidette. But I do like feeling good about my skin occasionally and the warmth from the tanning beds is relaxing in the winter. So I bought a 3 session package and I'm sure I'll go 3 times, and not again for many months. I'm not good at commitments. After that I went home and hit the elliptical for 25 minutes and did some weight lifting and stretching. For dinner I had a morningstar chick'n pattie on a wheat bun, and a string cheese for a snack with a crystal light. I remembered to take my vitamins, and went to bed at 10:30.

None of that seems all that impressive to a normal person I would imagine, but with my lack of discipline and motivation, that's kind of a big deal for me. And I feel really good about it today, so I am hoping that the feeling from yesterday will help me make good decisions today. All of this is probably a little bit motivated by the fact that I met a guy this weekend, who I think is really awesome. It was a set up from two mutual friends, and we went out for lunch on Sunday. We met for lunch at 12:30 and ended up talking for 4 and a half hours at the cafe. It just felt really good. I think we clicked pretty well. He's out of town for work this week, so i can't see him again until this weekend, but I have found myself, even in just the past 2 days thinking about how I can't wait to get to hangout with him again. I haven't felt that way in a really long time. So, here's hoping... That being said, since I have been single for so long, I have not cared as much about my appearance, and well being as I should. So it's time to get motivated.
 
 
Paula Love
27 January 2012 @ 10:55 am

Today is one of those days where I feel like I really couldn't catch a break if my well-being depended on it. Ironically, it sort of does. Money sucks. To those people who say that money doesn't buy happiness, they clearly had too much of it. Money may not buy happiness specifically, but I feel it would give peace of mind, which for me personally, is happiness. I would like for once to not have to stress and worry about how I am going to pay my bills every month. I work extremely hard, going to school part time, paying for school myself, working full time, and supporting myself 100%. I have medical bills out the ass, and I have rent, car payment, utilities. I'm not saying I'm special, nor am I comparing my situation to anyone elses. I'm saying that it just plain sucks. And there are days that it hits all at once.

Earlier this week I had to drive to North Carolina for a doctor's appointment. My car is in rough shape, and I cannot afford to get all the work done on it that it needs currently. My mom suggested I rent a car to drive to the hospital for the day, since it's a 4 hour drive there and a 4 hour drive back, and there are mountains and old country roads involved. Not exactly the place you want to break down if your car is unreliable. So I agreed. Looked into it, and it was going to cost about $70 to rent a car for the day. I can deal with that. So I get my quote, reserve my car, and go to pick it up at Enterprise. They tell me that it will come to $67 and change for the rental. Then they tell me that they have to charge an additional $100 to my debit card as a "hold" because I was paying with a debit card and not a credit card. I don't really have a choice at this point, but there was only enough money in my bank account to cover the car. So he assures me that it is a hold, and not a charge, and that because it will only be pending, and it will never clear my account for the full $100, that I won't be assesed any over draft penalties from my bank. I didn't exactly believe him, but I really didn't have a choice at the time. Luckily, I had cash for gas and parking because it tied up every penny in my bank account. I was frustrated. but again, there wasn't really anything I could do at the time, so I tried to forget about it and not let it make me sick worrying about it. Well, that was Tuesday. I have been checking my account every day since I returned the car, and the $167 charge is still on my account as pending. It "cleared" today and $167 was charged to my account, and I received a $36 over draft fee from my bank. Enterprise *also* charged the actual cost for the car rental which was $80, today. So now there is the original $167, and the $80 both on my account, both giving me over draft fees.

I could honestly just cry right now. On top of that, I got a bill from my dentist for the cleaning and filling I had done earlier this month. They billed my insurance, and I apparently haven't met my deductible for the year yet, which is amazing to me, considering all the dental, orthodontic, and oral surgery I have had over this plan year. So I am being billed $109 which is due February 9th. It frustrates me that the dentist sends me a bill dated January 25th, and it's due Feb 9th. 15 days. That is all they give you to pay this? I guess you should anticipate the bill and have the money available at the time of service, but how are you supposed to know what your insurnace will or will not pay? I can't get that money together in one pay period. I will have to call them, and see if I can make a payment plan, but most places are not very acommodating and it just adds to my anxiety. It's hard enough to be able to support myself and pay my bills with the income I have. I can't take on a second job because I am barely healthy enough to do the one that I have. I don't make enough money in the job I am in, but the health insurance and benefits are far better than I will ever get anywhere else. I'm kind of stuck. I am tired of living paycheck to paycheck, but how do you save when there isn't a dime left after your bills each month? What am I supposed to do? I just get sicker and sicker from the stress of not being able to afford to live. And I can get by ok as long as there are no unexpected expenses, but with Emergency Room visits, and doctors, and other things, there is no way to plan for everything. I don't have cable, I don't have luxuries, I don't have anything more than what is necessary. I don't know what to do. And I know this is the question that millions of people my age are asking, but serioulsy, can't it be a little easier?

So I was up til midnight last night digging through coat pockets and change jars and trying to get together as much money as possible so I can take it to coinstar today. I need to get my prescription refilled but the copay is $50 and I don't have that right now. This is the second week in a row, going on the 3rd week that I have not taken my shots because I don't have the money for them. I signed up for a support program through the pharmeceutical company to get my prescriptions reduced, but what I really need is for them to be free. I just don't know what to do anymore. But, I wake up in the morning and I can't walk, and it's only getting worse. And everyone just yells at me for not taking my medicine like it was a choice I made for fun. It's not like I cant afford my prescription because I spent the money elsewhere.

I really just need life to cut me a break...

 
 
 
Paula Love
23 January 2012 @ 04:11 pm

When you realize that you have been completely wrong about a person all along.

I stumbled upon a blog that was written by someone I know. I don't think it was ever his intention for me, or anyone other than his close friends and family to read. Heck, who knows, maybe he didn't want anyone to read it. But regardless, I came upon it, surprised, and debated for a while on whether or not I should read it. I didn't expect that he would have written anything inapropriate in it, which he did not, but I had a feeling that it is personal, and not something he would have voluntarily shared with me. Ultimately, curiousity took over my better judgement and I read it. I mean, it's on the internet for everyone to see, I wasn't being shady. But by the time I was done reading it, I practically had tears in my eyes. I feel somewhat guilty about it, because I feel like I now have a piece of his personal life that he has no idea I know about. I'm not going to share anything I read, because that's terribly insensitive and not any of my busienss, or yours for that matter, but it did lead me to realize a few things.

One, being that you never know who is reading your blog. You never know who, out there in the vast internet is reading your deepest thoughts, so always be aware of this when you are posting publicly. I battle with this all the time. Trying to determine whether or not to make my accounts private, or friends only. I think that it's restrictive to those who I would genuinely want to read my thoughts, but also a save harbour for those I do not wish to be a part of my brain. I guess the important thing is that you have to be careful with what you write. I try the best I can to keep in mind what I would think or feel if the most critical person I knew read my journal. I write in a way that I would not be embarassed or ashamed. I have nothing to hide, if I don't write about things that are private. (although, I surely hope that none of my employers notice the time stamp on when these are posted)

The second thing it made me realize is that most of the time, people will only show you what they want you to see. We have the ability to present ourselves in whatever image we would like when we meet someone. Sometimes, the person we identify ourselves as changes based on our audience. It's easy to make judgements on people based on what you know about them, when it's likely that is only a small portion of who they are. The person you are around your coworkers is not the same person you are around your family. Or maybe it is, for some. Not saying that people are two faced, or have multiple identities, just that we limit what we share about ourselves based on our environment. I'm obvioulsy going to be more willing to open up about personal relationships and my feelings with a friend, than I would be with a co-worker, or an accquaintence. For example, I am more likely to discuss my emotions with a past boyfriend than with a current one. Even if that past boyfriend hurt me. That person already knows me, and has seen my flaws undoubtedly. I stand nothing to lose with that person. It's just who I am. It doesn't mean I value the current boyfriend any less. (this is totally hypothetical, I have no current boyfriend) I digress terribly. The point I am trying to make is that we arrogantly go about our lives thinking we know so much about the people we are surrounded by, when in reality, we don't. We only know what that person wants us to know about them.

I have spent a lot of time making this person out to be cold and insensitive, and someone who doesn't care about anything and now, with this bit of journalistic insight, I realized that I am wrong. He is a very caring person with emotions so strong that it's no wonder he hides them. Strangely, by learning that I know nothing about him at all, I feel so much closer to him than I did when I thought I had him figured out. Humanity is funny like that.

 
 
Paula Love
22 January 2012 @ 11:44 pm

This weekend was ok. Didn't do anything terribly exciting. Friday night when I got home from work I just crashed on the couch because I was still tired from my all nighter two nights earlier. Saturday I did nothing all day and watched the Syracuse basketball game. It was miserable. I screamed at the TV the whole night. They lost. And the end came to our 20-0 record. But I'm glad they got a loss under their belt now. It's better than to lose it in the conference. Besides, it's halfway through the season and there is only one undefeated team left, Murray State, and they're going to lose pretty soon too I think. They haven't played anyone horribly good this season so far, so I don't know how they'll do against a bigger team. Although I'm sure many said the same for us. But anyway, today I slept in and woke up to a text from Shaun asking what time we were going to the movies. I got up and got dressed and he picked me up and we went and saw haywire. It was good. I went because Michael fassbender is hot, I don't know why Shaun went. Well, aside from the fact that he will see any movie ever (except Youngblood) but I think that's just to spite me.
After the movie I came home and finished my laundry and watched tv. See, I live a very uneventful life. Tomorrow is a normal work day, though I believe we are placing holds and running bills tomorrow. Should make for pleasant phone calls. Tuesday will be the interesting day. Bills will hit in the morning but I'm going to be off all day because I have to go to N. Carolina for an appointment with my surgeon. It's going to be an extremely long day. I'm renting a car because my car is in bad shape and I can't get it in to get the repairs done unt next week. It drives to and from work but there is no way I was going to drive long distance, let alone over the mountain. So I have to pick up my rental car in the AM but logistically the only way it would work would be for my friend Deanna to drop me off there on her way to work. So I have to be at her house at 7 so she can drop me at Enterprise before 8. She lives like 20 minutes from me so that means I have to be up and ready to go by 6:30. That's pretty normal time for me to be up on a weekday, but I don't have to leave for NC until at least 10, so I was hoping to be able to sleep in some. Especially since I have to drive 4 hours, go to my appointment and drive back 4 hours in one day. I'll be getting home pretty late. I wish I had someone to go with me but as it turns out, no one seems to be interested. I'm not trying to look for sympathy, but it just seems like no one here cares enough to help me out with this one thing. I understand it's not fun to take a day off work to tag along with me and no one should feel obligated to do so, but when I told all my friends that it was going to be a rough day for me and that this drive is physically exhausting for me to make alone, everyone had an excuse why they couldn't go with me. Or some said they would check and then never got back to me. Maybe it's a lot to ask someone but idk, if one of my friends asked me to tag along to help them I would go. I would do it just because it's not a big deal to me, and it would be helping a friend. Guess not everyone sees it that way. But the point I was trying to make is that it's going to be a long, very tiring day for me.

I just need to make it through this week. ThR funny thing is that I don't really have anything going on next week. Or the next week for that matter. I feel like every Sunday night I try to mentally prepare for the following week and I dissect it into what I need to do each day. Every Sunday I feel like "if you can just make it through this week..." but I never really have anything to finish that sentence with. If I just get through this week then I will be effectively one week closer to....? Seems pretty redundant. Every week, doing the same thing over and over again. Counting down the days until what? I got nothing. I enjoy watching time go by, because I feel like I'm getting closer to something, but when I think about it I really doing know what I'm working toward anymore. I guess it's just that feeling that I know what this week is going to bring, and next week is still unknown. So maybe I'm working toward tthe mystery. Maybe I'm just wasting time on things that don't matter.

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Paula Love
21 January 2012 @ 12:56 pm

Kind of mad at myself for sleeping until noon. I know I was exhausted and I needed thR rest but now I have one of those headaches from sleeping too much and the rest of the day will likely be unproductive as a result of it. I'll also be up half the night, which isn't a bad thing necessarily because Shaun and I might go see Haywire at 9:45. Shaun is a guy I've been hanging out with for a little over a year. We met at school, he was in my class two different semesters. I had a huge crush on him the first semester but never got up the nerve to talk to him. Then a few semesters later he was in my class again. And again, couldn't talk to him until the last week of class. My friend Carrie and I decided we were going to go out for pizza and beer after our last class and we invited him. He came with us and he and I have pretty much been hanging out ever since. We hungout for like 4 months and I finally just told him I liked him and asked if he realized that. He said he did but that he liked being single. As far as I know he's been single for a really long time. I dont know why but I assume he is hung up on someone else. I was kind of bummed but whatever. Moved on. We still hang out about once a week and he's become a good friend of mine. I would be lying if I said that deep down I don't still wish for more, but I'd rather have him as a friend than as nothing at all. Besides, a recent guy I dated for a little while has kind of set me back in my dating preparedness. He seemed like a super nice guy and then it turned out that he was only interested in me if I was willing to hook up with him. When I said I wanted to wait a little while before we got to that step, he stopped talking to me. Stellar.
But anyway, I suppose I should get my ass out of bed and get moving for the day. It's do hard to get motivated though. Between this memory foam mattress and my puppy curled up in the crook of my knees, I don't want to move!

Oh p.s. my town is on a winter weather advisory. Things are closed, stuffs been cancelled, yet I can still see the grass through the snow. Typical southerners!

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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Paula Love
20 January 2012 @ 10:49 pm

The upside to being a loser with no plans on a Friday night is that I can watch Blue Bloods. I don't know what it is about those Wahlberg brothers playing hard ass boys from the neighborhood, gets me everytime. Anyhooo... I said last time that I would finish updating about work and other things. So that IT position I was stressing about more than a year ago finally came through. As of mid-2011 I am the Information Technology Coordinator for the business office at JMU. It sounds far more impressive than it is, but it's exciting for me. Though I feel helplessly lost most days, it actually comes a lot more naturally than I anticipated early on. I like it for the most part, but the politics and drama in my office environment really kill my buzz most of the time. Since the upgrade ended (which I ended up doing a lot of the work for alone because my boss took over a month off work in the middle of the project to adopt a baby. He also told me about it 48 hours before he was gone) things have been a lot different between Brandon and I. I won't lie, it's been really hard at times. He was my mentor, someone I really looked up to and admired, and I feel like he really let me down. I'm sure in many ways I brought this on myself, by having such high expectations from him when he is really only human. It's hard though to find out that someone you thought the world of is just as capable of failure as anyone else. I think that it probably has to be hard for him having me expecting him to have all the answers all the time. But we have good days and bad. It's not the same though and that is what is hardest.

Contributing to my stress at work was the 8 weeks I was out of the office this summer for my jaw surgery. It was difficult, scary, and did not go as planned at all. I was only supposed to be in thR hospital for 2 days and was in the ICU for a week. I was also supposed to have a fairly pain-free recovery for 6 weeks and it ended up being extremely painful, and it was 8 before I was back to work and another couple months before I really started to feel like myself again. Looking back, it is what it is. Aesthetically, it was a huge difference. I look like a completely different person now and I am pleased with the results, but this was not done for cosmetic reasons and the medical benefits have been slow to develop. I also have some new problems that developed as a result of the surgery (partial facial paralyzation and numbness) and the stress on my body, and lack of TNF inhibitors for that long of time have caused irreversible damage and progression of my disease. So, I'm dealing with new problems as they arise, but it has not been easy. All in all, I'll get through it and do the best I can.

Nice transition into the next major change. I moved into my own place in March. Cute little 2 bedroom house in Bridgewater. Tek and I like it a lot. I have everything I need for the most part. Mom stayed at the house with me through my surgery recovery and in August when I went back to work she moved back to Syracuse. She is living with my Grandparents and helping my gram take care of my grandpa who's alzheimers is getting really bad. It's such a blessing in disguise that her job at JMU wasn't a good fit because I think my grandma needed her but would never admit it. So ultimately everyone is where they need to be. It's funny how I really don't feel lonely, even though I am in most essence of the word, alone. I was really concerned with how I'd adjust to my mom leaving because I really have never been away from her like this before. Oddly enough I'm really ok. I don't miss her, because I don't really feel like she is gone. I talk to her nearly everyday via text or phone calls. Ombusy otherwise and I have my own life. Guess this is what it feels like to grow up. She's pretty amazing though. I miss being around her mostly because we have such a good time together. No one appreciates our humor like we do.

All in all, I'm doing ok. Of course things could always get better and I'm alright with that. If I had everything I wanted or needed I feel life would be pretty boring. I like the challenges even if they seem overwhelming at times. I'm just going to keep doing me, and hopefully 2012 will be a good year.

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Paula Love
19 January 2012 @ 03:24 am
Oh gosh, where to even begin. It's been over a year since I have written in here. I hate to break it to you livejournal, but I have a new love, and her name is Tumblr. Although, I will give you another shot for two reasons. One of those reasons is that I never intended to use Tumblr as a blog. I've mostly been keeping it as an online scrapbook of all the things I like. And the second reason I am not willing to throw away all that we have together, is your formatting is wonderful. This layout, the font, the spacing...everything really. I find you to be very aesthetically pleasing. You're really out of the loop though, I guess I will have to catch you up.

I just spent the past 3 hours reading old posts in this journal, which was never my intention, but these sort of things happen. I slept until 11am today so it was almost a given that I was going to be up really late tonight unless I took a pill. Oh yeah, I do that now. Take pills to help sleep. I hate it, but there are a lot of nights that the pain is too much to get comfortable in bed. Reading all my old entries has really dug up some emotional stuff though, so I am probably not going to be getting any sleep tonight. I guess I should start with Matt since that is the emotional stuff that I speak of. For accuracy's sake in the documentation of this journal, I should explain that things between Matt and I really took hardships during 2010. We spent Christmas together like usual, but didn't spend the night together. I got a puppy in November of 2009 and traveling to NY with him barely 2 months old was really difficult. My grandma wasn't thrilled about having him at the house in Caz and with other holiday tensions, I didn't really feel like I could leave him with my mom to watch while I went and stayed at a hotel with Matt. We did our normal date night though and we had a really good time. We had left off in December before we went home with the notion that we were going to actually try to work on our relationship and make it more than it has ever been before. After spending some time with him in New York, I started to realize that maybe that wasn't actually going to happen. But we rode it out for a little while longer. In February, things kind of fell apart and we came to the conclusion that this wasn't going anywhere. We got to an impasse, and I wasn't willing to move there, and he wouldn't move here (more on that later) so we really had no where left to go. So we said our peace and stayed friends. The next couple months were really hard to adjust because we had to establish a  non-romantic relationship that we had never actually had in the 7/8 years we've known each other. We had to learn how to be just friends, and it didn't really go well. We stopped talking over the summer for a bit, but caught up every now and then when we had time to chat. We talked various times about him coming to visit me in Virginia or me going there. He told me that he wanted to come here, but he couldn't afford it, and he had no leave time. I understand how that goes, so I didn't give him grief. Well, the week of my birthday, he was chomping at the bit to tell me about the most amazing week he had. The conversation in summary went like this..."I just got back from the most amazing week of my life. I went to Washington DC, Virginia, and North Carolina with Rachael and her family and we just rented a car and drove all over the place. We saw all sorts of cool things and long story short, Rachael is breaking up with her boyfriend and we are finally going to be together..." I was so incredibly hurt I didn't even know what to say. Not only did he come to Virginia with another girl when he told me he couldn't afford to come see me, he went to Monticello, which is 30 minutes from my house and didn't even think to tell me he was in VA. And on top of that he is "FINALLY" going to get to be with Rachael, his friend, who he had assured me for many years was JUST a friend and that he had no interest in her. Come to find out, he's been in love with this girl forever. I guess I was just what he was settling for. So, the next couple months were really really rocky between us. We went out for drinks at Christmas when I was in Syracuse and I picked him up in Clay at his moms and the entire car ride downtown we were both pretty much silent. Then we made small talk for a little bit, and then I really just drilled into him for a good long time. In the middle of the bar, I just went off on him and sad about everything I could think that I had felt in the 3 months prior. We ended the conversations with him acknowledging how hurtful he was, and apologizing. He also promised me that he would make it a point to stay my friend throughout this whole thing and that nothing was going to change that. Fast forward to present day, 2012...Matt and Rachael are together, they moved to Oregon together (yeah remember when he wasn't willing to move out of SF?) and he and I haven't talked in about 6 months. He wasn't there for me through my surgery. Never called to ask how it went. I was in the ICU for a week and no word from him...Really, all in all, I lost my best friend. 

I've had a lot of time to reflect over the past year, and I spend more time than I really should wondering what was the point where we went wrong. Every time I read through old conversations and emails I come away with a different perspective. I tell myself that he hurt me, which he did, and that he was terrible to me. Then I read conversations and I start to wonder if it's my fault it all ended up this way. I guess it really doesn't matter now. But he is happy, at least I think he is happy. And I should be happy for him, but I am not there yet. I am still really hurt about a lot of things and then reading about how maybe I am to blame for it, makes it hurt even more. So I have been single since then. I've been too damaged this year to make any attempts at dating. I'm starting to try to get out there again, but it's really hard. I just have an impossible time believing anyones intentions are true. I guess when you have been misled by someone, you start to have doubts about everything. I'll get there one day, but for now, it's been hard. 

I'll update some more tomorrow about other things, like work, and living in VA, and the trillion other things that have changed. I doubt there is even anyone left in livejournal land. Post a comment if you still read this thing! 
 
 
Current Mood: coldcold
Current Music: Story of the Year - In the Shadows
 
 
 
Paula Love
20 September 2007 @ 04:21 am

Comment to be added.
 
 
 
Paula Love
11 September 2007 @ 01:21 am
I had a beautiful, beautiful time
The drives and the talks were amazing
The kind of friend I thought I'd never find
I had a beautiful, beautiful time
You have a beautiful, beautiful smile
The way it curls and collapses on your lips
When you touch me I shake like a child
It's late, I'm afraid you might leave
Cause sometimes it seems like
You still don't believe me
There's nothing I can do to concentrate
It's so distracting
Always thinking of you
So I expose and explain
And I meant everything I said
And it's moments like this
That repeat and replay in my head
When I'm laying in bed
It's a beautiful, beautiful time
As you laugh and roll onto your stomach
The carpet embraces your design
My heart pounds as I lay by your side
And I find that I am unable to hide
All these feelings that flow
In this basement, and in this dim light
you look so beautiful
I'm unsure and unclear with the words that I say
I'm happy when you're near
And I wish that forever could stay
Just like today
You have beautiful, beautiful eyes
So bright and alive and enchanting
I want to be with you all of the time
It's hopeless but I have to try 
 
 
Paula Love
05 September 2007 @ 01:21 am
Update: After almost 10 hours of driving due to the construction and traffic in the most pointless state of Pennsylvania, I have arrived. It's hot and humid here but the guy across the street told me yesterday "well miss it gets pretty cold down here in winter, sometimes even 40 degrees" So I think I'm going to like it haha. Miss everyone already though! Send me letters and stuff! 9747 Town Hall Rd. McGaheysville, VA 22840

:) 
 
 
Paula Love
08 February 2007 @ 01:20 am
I'm at that crazy little coffee shop again because they are awesome. I also am too lazy to call Time Warner and get the internet situation straightened out. Honestly I don't reallu care. I'm pretty okay with having no internet access all the time because I think I do more, and sleep better when I am not tempted by the internet. This week so far I haven't really done a whole lot, mostly just hanging out here and there. Monday I didn't do anything because I swore I wasn't going to leave my house since it was like 5 degrees out. Tuesday I picked Brandi up from school and we hungout at my house and quite possibly expirienced the coolest thing to ever happen, but it's really quite difficult to explain so I guess you'll just have to wonder. Yesterday I went to visit my Aunt at Birchwood and I guess I didn't really have any idea as to what I was supposed to expect but she's not doing very well from her blood transfusion and she was just kind of delirious when I was there. She kept asking me the same questions over and over again and she kept referring to people by the wrong names and idk it was just uncomfortable. So I hope that it's just from the meds they have her on, or the ones they took her off or something. But she's supposed to be going home sometime next week or something I guess. So maybe I'll go to her house and spend some time with her there. After I was done visiting her I went over to Alyse's for a little bit. Good times.
Last night Colin called me and it was really nice to catch up with him for a little bit and Col, I'm calling Nabisco today :P

Tomorrow is the awaited day, I'm picking Jay up from the Airport and I'm less excited now than I was like a week ago. :-/ idk. I know the weather is going to be ridiculous too but whatever. We'll see how it goes. Brandi is effing sick and I have a terrible feeling that I am going to get sick too haha. Oh well. Anyway, I feel like I don't update this enough anymore to go into in depth entries and such but whatever. I guess if anyone really wants to know whats going on in my life they can call me lol. 
 
 
Paula Love
25 August 2006 @ 01:20 am
I don't deserve any of this.
Self destruct in 3, 2, 1... 
 
 
 
Paula Love
25 August 2006 @ 01:19 am
This is important please read this.
If we are friends, were friends, or want to be friends from here on out, please pay close attention.

I've been a shitty person over the years. I've lied, I've betrayed and I've hurt a lot of people. I'm not proud of this, and I really dont like the person I have been. I'm not looking for redemption here, I'm jsut looking to start a new. I wanted you all to know, that I have been hurt, very badly this summer. And I deserved it. Well, that's not entirely accurate. I don't believe that anyone, no matter how horrible a person...deserves to feel pain like this. But I do know that I have had my fair share of Karma and this was more or less inevitable.

If I have ever lied to you, and if we've ever spoken, I probably have...I am truly sorry from the deepest part of my soul. I never meant to hurt you by it. I just dont think before I speak most of the time and sometimes things come out that I never wanted to say. But then I have to lie to cover that lie. But not anymore.

New me, no more lies. I don't want to hurt people anymore. I don't want to lose friends. I dont want to be hated. And this mnight be a dumb kind of public announcement but I wanted to make sure everyone saw it.

If anyone wants to talk more about this, or ask for a formal apology, you can email me...
todanceistolove@gmail.com

I'm not going to be that person anymore. I refuse.             
 
 
Paula Love
19 July 2006 @ 01:18 am

                                                                   HAH

People make me sick.
And real friends are hard to come by.

Remember that time you were all tools?
Oh wait...

Loading...

 
 
Paula Love
20 June 2006 @ 01:17 am
The words that you said
They still ring in my head
Don't you know
We say goodbye
With a tear in our eye
Oh, where'd you go

It's alright you can sleep tonight
Knowing you'll always live on in a song

Farewell to old friends
Let's raise a glass to the bitter end
Farewell to old friends
Will you be the same when we see you again

Remember the days
When we'd laugh as you played
Who would have known
The water would come and just take you away
Oh, where'd you go

It's not alright
I can't sleep tonight
Knowing you should have played on
On and on

Farewell to old friends
Let's raise a glass to the bitter end
Farewell to old friends
Will you forgive me when I see you again

You had a good time
Drinking all of our wine
After the show
We all rode the wave
Of that crazy parade
Oh, where'd you go
What happened to
The ones we knew
As long as I'm the shiniest star
Oh, there you are

Farewell to old friends
Let's raise a glass to the bitter end
Farewell to old friends
We'll still be here when you come round again

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Paula Love
12 June 2006 @ 01:16 am
First you said you were my friend FUCK YOU
Now the time will see if you'll stay true... 



I hate to be one of those people who posts a huge bitching journal entry that is directed to someone(s) in specific because they're too lame to talk to those people in person but I really want to get this shit out and I don't care who reads it. This is directed to those of you who can't even fathom the idea that I made a mistake. And you know what, not a god damn one of you isn't guilty of fucking up majorly at least once in your lives. If you need a scape goat then fine. But hating me or taking it out on me isn't going to make you feel ANY LESS GUILTY for your own faults. You're not perfect and where the hell do you get off looking down on me? At least what I did was out of love, and not lust. I don't know how any of you could ever sit there and consider yourselves my friends. Because it's been proven that at the first site of trouble you head running for the hills. I'm so sorry that I may have done something that would reflect poorly upon you but last time I checked we were all human and shit happens. You can think I'm a horrible person for what I did, and you can say you don't want me in your life anymore but you better god damn believe you are no better than I. And if you honestly think that removing me from your lives are going to make things any easier for you then you're dead wrong. Because I'm entirely sure that I would have stood by you longer than any of those people who cast you out in the first place. 

 
 
Paula Love
07 June 2006 @ 01:15 am
People make mistakes. That is all.




1. PICK ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?
I have a scar on my ankle from Michael driving the van with the door open and me trying to get out and when he stopped the van the door slid shut and hit my ankle. Hah.

2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
A lot of show fliers, music, movie and other posters, pictures of friends.

3. WHAT COLOR WILL YOU HAIR BE NEXT YEAR?
God only knows. I'm hoping to get back to a blonde eventually.

4. WHAT MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?
Anything but polka. I really don't like polka.

5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?
5:46pm

6. WHAT IS THE WEIRDEST THING YOU HAVE EVER DONE?
Um, I don't really know. I do an assortment of really strange things on a daily basis.

7. WHO DO YOU MISS AT THIS MOMENT?
Other than the boys, one specifically...I would have to say Katie.

8. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ON SOMEONE (OPPOSITE/SAME SEX)?
I probably notice the eyes first. I think you can tell a lot about a person from their eyes.

9. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SMELL?
I like the way Steve smells. I always have. It's a comfort scent.

10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?
Sometimes. But I also really like to burrow, so it's kinda weird how that works out.

11. IF YOU DIED TOMORROW?
I hope that he would remember everything I ever told him.

12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
Yesterday, not so much someone making me cry, but the thought of someone. But directly, I'd say my mom.

13. WHO WAS YOUR FIRST CRUSH WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE?
Mike Sherwood in 6th grade hahaha.

14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
I like the cliche little comb forward flippy thing that most guys do now.

15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING PROPOSED TO AT?
I don't know. But I would like it if it was under the Eiffel tower :)

16. WHAT IS YOUR WORST FEAR:
Dying alone.

17. WHAT ARE YOUR SIX FAVORITE MOVIES, IN NO ORDER?
Shaun of the Dead, Anchorman, Billy Madison, Star Wars (all of them), LOTR (all of them also) and probably Angels in the Outfield.

18. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF GOING FOR YOUR HONEYMOON?
Hopefully either the Bahammas or Scotland.

19. CAN YOU PLAY AN INSTRUMENT?
Play as in produce a sound and read music...several. Play as in sound good and actually retain a talent?? Hmm..none. Hah.

20. DO YOU SPEAK A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE?
I can speak Shona! The native language of Zimbabwe. And a little bit of French.

21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST GIFT SOMEONE EVER GAVE YOU (OF THE OPPOSITE SEX ?)
I have no idea.

22. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE SINGER(S)?
Maria Taylor, Billy Joel, or Carole King

23. FAVORITE BAND(S)?
Alkaline Trio and Pearl Jam

24. WHAT KIND OF BOOKS DO YOU LIKE TO READ?
I'm not big into reading, just because it takes a lot for me to find a book that really hooks me. But I like books about musicians. Like, the story of their lives etc.

25. FAVORITE PERFUME?
Pink, by GAP. And the yellow Mary Kate and Ashley one!

26. HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR COFFEE?
I don't drink coffee

27. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE LINE TO USE?
"I'll punch you in the face" I don't know if it's my favorite line to use. It's more like the most frequently used line.

28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
I don't think falling in love with someone is not something you can control. Well, if it's true love.

29. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU?
Always be there. And love them unconditionally.

30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED:
Well, I could say a number from 1 to 100 but you wouldn't hear it and frankly I think my office mates would think I was a little loopy if I just start saying numbers outloud. So how about I just type it? 86

31. BLONDES, REDHEADS OR BRUNETTES?
Are good in jokes? Yes...what about them?

32. WHAT IS THE ONE NUMBER YOU CALL OFTEN?
Miss Shauna Marie Roloff

33. WHAT ANNOYS YOU THE MOST?
Not knowing what to do, or feeling like you want to fix something but you don't even know where to begin.

34. HAVE YOU EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?
Oh hasn't everyone! Katie and I used to sit in her breakfast nook with the phone book.

35. WHO IS YOUR CURRENT CRUSH?
Crushes are for squares. :P

36: SAY SOMETHING TO SOMEONE YOU HAVEN'T SEEN/TALKED TO IN AWHILE:
Whats up?

37: HAVE YOU EVER SAID "I LOVE YOU" AND NOT MEAN IT:
Nope.

38: WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED THIS SURVEY:
Talking to some people in a city about a show.

39: ANY LAST WORDS?
nbcejiagnetjk