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19 January 2012 @ 03:24 am
Oh gosh, where to even begin. It's been over a year since I have written in here. I hate to break it to you livejournal, but I have a new love, and her name is Tumblr. Although, I will give you another shot for two reasons. One of those reasons is that I never intended to use Tumblr as a blog. I've mostly been keeping it as an online scrapbook of all the things I like. And the second reason I am not willing to throw away all that we have together, is your formatting is wonderful. This layout, the font, the spacing...everything really. I find you to be very aesthetically pleasing. You're really out of the loop though, I guess I will have to catch you up.

I just spent the past 3 hours reading old posts in this journal, which was never my intention, but these sort of things happen. I slept until 11am today so it was almost a given that I was going to be up really late tonight unless I took a pill. Oh yeah, I do that now. Take pills to help sleep. I hate it, but there are a lot of nights that the pain is too much to get comfortable in bed. Reading all my old entries has really dug up some emotional stuff though, so I am probably not going to be getting any sleep tonight. I guess I should start with Matt since that is the emotional stuff that I speak of. For accuracy's sake in the documentation of this journal, I should explain that things between Matt and I really took hardships during 2010. We spent Christmas together like usual, but didn't spend the night together. I got a puppy in November of 2009 and traveling to NY with him barely 2 months old was really difficult. My grandma wasn't thrilled about having him at the house in Caz and with other holiday tensions, I didn't really feel like I could leave him with my mom to watch while I went and stayed at a hotel with Matt. We did our normal date night though and we had a really good time. We had left off in December before we went home with the notion that we were going to actually try to work on our relationship and make it more than it has ever been before. After spending some time with him in New York, I started to realize that maybe that wasn't actually going to happen. But we rode it out for a little while longer. In February, things kind of fell apart and we came to the conclusion that this wasn't going anywhere. We got to an impasse, and I wasn't willing to move there, and he wouldn't move here (more on that later) so we really had no where left to go. So we said our peace and stayed friends. The next couple months were really hard to adjust because we had to establish a  non-romantic relationship that we had never actually had in the 7/8 years we've known each other. We had to learn how to be just friends, and it didn't really go well. We stopped talking over the summer for a bit, but caught up every now and then when we had time to chat. We talked various times about him coming to visit me in Virginia or me going there. He told me that he wanted to come here, but he couldn't afford it, and he had no leave time. I understand how that goes, so I didn't give him grief. Well, the week of my birthday, he was chomping at the bit to tell me about the most amazing week he had. The conversation in summary went like this..."I just got back from the most amazing week of my life. I went to Washington DC, Virginia, and North Carolina with Rachael and her family and we just rented a car and drove all over the place. We saw all sorts of cool things and long story short, Rachael is breaking up with her boyfriend and we are finally going to be together..." I was so incredibly hurt I didn't even know what to say. Not only did he come to Virginia with another girl when he told me he couldn't afford to come see me, he went to Monticello, which is 30 minutes from my house and didn't even think to tell me he was in VA. And on top of that he is "FINALLY" going to get to be with Rachael, his friend, who he had assured me for many years was JUST a friend and that he had no interest in her. Come to find out, he's been in love with this girl forever. I guess I was just what he was settling for. So, the next couple months were really really rocky between us. We went out for drinks at Christmas when I was in Syracuse and I picked him up in Clay at his moms and the entire car ride downtown we were both pretty much silent. Then we made small talk for a little bit, and then I really just drilled into him for a good long time. In the middle of the bar, I just went off on him and sad about everything I could think that I had felt in the 3 months prior. We ended the conversations with him acknowledging how hurtful he was, and apologizing. He also promised me that he would make it a point to stay my friend throughout this whole thing and that nothing was going to change that. Fast forward to present day, 2012...Matt and Rachael are together, they moved to Oregon together (yeah remember when he wasn't willing to move out of SF?) and he and I haven't talked in about 6 months. He wasn't there for me through my surgery. Never called to ask how it went. I was in the ICU for a week and no word from him...Really, all in all, I lost my best friend. 

I've had a lot of time to reflect over the past year, and I spend more time than I really should wondering what was the point where we went wrong. Every time I read through old conversations and emails I come away with a different perspective. I tell myself that he hurt me, which he did, and that he was terrible to me. Then I read conversations and I start to wonder if it's my fault it all ended up this way. I guess it really doesn't matter now. But he is happy, at least I think he is happy. And I should be happy for him, but I am not there yet. I am still really hurt about a lot of things and then reading about how maybe I am to blame for it, makes it hurt even more. So I have been single since then. I've been too damaged this year to make any attempts at dating. I'm starting to try to get out there again, but it's really hard. I just have an impossible time believing anyones intentions are true. I guess when you have been misled by someone, you start to have doubts about everything. I'll get there one day, but for now, it's been hard. 

I'll update some more tomorrow about other things, like work, and living in VA, and the trillion other things that have changed. I doubt there is even anyone left in livejournal land. Post a comment if you still read this thing! 
Current Mood: coldcold
Current Music: Story of the Year - In the Shadows
acrackinthemoldacrackinthemold on January 20th, 2012 12:16 am (UTC)
Ugh, not worth it. When you are with someone who actually appreciates you and loves you for you it seriously makes all the difference. Plus you can look back and think, seriously...SERIOUSLY DID I FALL FOR THAT SHIT.

All that corny crap and other stuff everyone says is true. It just happens when you don't even realize.

Just enjoy yourself, it'll come to you.

Welcome back to lj, I never post but I always read other peoples. I always plan on starting!

Paula Lovecutsutureclose on January 21st, 2012 03:10 am (UTC)
Woo! I'm not alone in LJ land. I tried to make it out to Singers when I was home at Christmas but it wasn't in the cards. Sounds like things are going well with you and nick though so that makes me happy! I hear ya on it being worth it when it's real. I feel like the one time I really had that has made me set my standards so high. It's a good thing overall, but it's easy to be disappointed when you expect such great things from people.
acrackinthemoldacrackinthemold on January 25th, 2012 01:30 am (UTC)
Its funny because neither of us were looking for relationships. I actually fought it for awhile because i was doing the whole IDONTNEEDNOSTINKINBOYFRIEND thing. Nick didnt want a girlfriend either, ...then we met. Funny how those things happen.
Berryberrymcgregor on January 21st, 2012 04:51 pm (UTC)
Like someone said earlier, not worth it. It's useless trying to find out what you did wrong, because obviously, you did nothing wrong and you deserved better all along. I know it's hard girl, but it'll get better. I just broke up (it's not even been two weeks) and I kinda am in the situation you are now, trying to make sense out of it but all in all, it's just better to move on. But it's hard. *hugs*