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Paula Love
05 June 2006 @ 01:15 am
This weekend was a really good one. Well to start there was The Know How show on Wednesday night that the boys played. And of course The Know How were a ton of fun as usual. Dave was out of control haha. Such a funny guy. Then Nate slept over after the show and we slept in Thursday morning. Thursday night I hungout with Dubs and Rew. We went to the mall and shopped like the girls we are ;-) Then I met John at our playground and we talked for a really long time. It was a nice way to tie up loose ends before he left. I felt pretty content after that. Then FRIDAY was the Taste Of Syracuse and the Sammy awards, which incase you're not familiar with them, are a pretty awesome Syracuse Area Music Award that is a pretty big honor to recieve. Well, not only did the boys win one, they won TWO! Razbari Sumthing are the new 2006 People's Choice best band and the Best New alternative recording artists!!! It was so amazing. What an awesome way to kick off tour! That being said, the boys left Saturday morning, for the show in Circleville and then off on the road for 2 months. I've never been more proud of them. They deserved this so much. I love them<3 a ton.

Saturday Nate and I went back down to the Taste Of Syracuse in the rain to see Long Since Forgotten play because I had seen Josh the day before and I told him I would come check it out. Then yesterday was a pretty lazy day. I woke up mid afternoon haha, and Shauna came over. We sat around til Nate got out of work and he came and took us to get food. And he bought us a banana split because he is amazing!!! So we took Shauna home and came back to my house and just laid in bed and watched movies for the rest of the night. :) Things have been pretty good. I guess. I need one steady job that pays enough but don't we all?! And I miss Olivia but she will be here in 18 days! And I got an email from John this morning telling me about tour so far so that made my day a million times better. :) 
Paula Love
31 May 2006 @ 01:14 am
So I've been having a fabulous time lately. I spent all last week with Nate. And we had a blast. AND I got to hangout with Dubs and Lil Man :) Then Friday I headed up to Lake George with Shauna Marie for the long weekend. We had so much fun. Then I got back Monday night and yesterday Nate and I went to see X-Men 3 and I was very discontent with the way the movie ended! Not upset, just discontent haha. 
Paula Love
24 May 2006 @ 01:13 am
School's been over for a week almost. And I hate it already. I don't want this summer to happen. I'm going to be miserable. I really just wish John would leave for tour so I don't have to be around him. And I wish Jordan would come to see me and never leave. And I want to continue to hangout with Nate and Shauna everyday. That's really all that would make me happy right about now.

I've been sleeping on the god damn couch for the past week because I think my bed is far too big to sleep in alone.

I'm really just discontent with everything right now :( hmph. I miss my livvvvvy!!!

Paula Love
17 May 2006 @ 01:13 am
So last day on campus for the year, what does one do?
Silly Schirripa bet I woulnd't fit :)
Paula Love
16 May 2006 @ 01:12 am
Yesterday was pretty fun. After my final I went to work. Then after I got home I went over to the meadows and hungout with Jordan, Olivia, Josh and Andrew. We all sat around on the porch for a while then went for a drive. Jordan was driving and I was sitting in front and the three stoners were in the back singing songs from Grease at the top of their lungs. It was pretty funny. Then we went to 13 curves and Andrew freaked out. We went to Byrne Dairy and Josh bought one of everything almost hah, they were so hungry. Then we went back to the apartment and hungout for a while then I went home.
Paula Love
So I wrote an entry earlier today, but I decided to delete it and write this one. I hate having 8 million posts per day and I feel like I have a lot to get out right now. I am pretty much done with my first year of college and I don't really know what I got out of it. I feel like I wasted a lot of time worrying about where John was or what he and I were doing after school that I didn't pay much attention to my work. And that's something that I'll just have to deal with the consequences for when I end up having to take an extra semester just to cover my gen ed's. But oh well, I'll prioritize better next semester. Which by the way I'm not sure if I wish it were sooner, or if I wish that this summer would last forever. I know that come fall a lot of things are going to change. And I don't know if I am nessicarily ready for those changes. Which is why I think I am so stressed about the boys going on tour. Its not because they're leaving, it's because of whats going to happen when they come back. Danielle will be in NYC. I'm so thrilled that she got into Pratt and she has a world of incredible oppurtunities from this, but I am going to miss her. I hope she loves it there because she deserves this :) And Chris will be, well, who knows. I really miss when he and I used to just drive around and talk. I miss when we were actually, close friends. John will probably be at SU, and I'm sure he'll want to start settling down a bit. I don't know if there will be a place for me in his life then. I don't know what Derek and Rory are doing, I'm guessing staying at OCC another year. But they're always with Steve and there's no place for me with them. Who knows where the band will be. I'm having a hard time beliving they'll make it back from tour alive, and not hating each other. I love Olivia, Jordan, Andrew, and all those kids and I can't wait for fall semester to hangout with them all the time. Since they'll all be in the meadows and I'll be in the dorms. I predict hanging out a lot.
But until then there is summer. The boys will be gone. Danielle and Meagan will both probably be working a lot. I had all these high hopes of it being "the girls" this summer but I don't know. I don't feel like that's going to happen. The music kids are all going home for the summer. Shauna travels a lot during the summer. Looks like it's gonna be me and Nate this summer. Because he is pretty much the best. He's an awesome friend because he's a total guy. And we have a lot of fun and he doesn't stress about drama or politics. And there's no weirdness about one of us liking the other or whatnot. I feel like we can be total bros. Hah. And we can go to ska shows and hardcore shows and do whatever, call each other gay and have fun.
A lot is going to change after this summer. I just wish I could stop worrying about it now and just enjoy the summer while I can. Because I'm going to freak so much about fall that I waste the summer. I'm trying to make the most of the next 19 days with John, but everytime I talk to him I end up snapping at him, or feeling like I just want to scream. Plus he'll be working soon enough and well, I guess that's that. 2 weeks is going to go by really quickly. Especially since they have more out of town shows between now and tour than they actually have on tour haha j/k. But still he's going to be gone a lot, and I'm going to be gone a lot. 19 days isn't a very long time. Especially when you have to share it. Oh well, we'll see how the days unfold. I'm ready for some sunshine though. I know that much is certain. 
Paula Love
10 May 2006 @ 01:11 am
I am wicked sick.
And it sucks.
But John got me a pink RAZR phone.
So my life is pretty much complete.             
Paula Love
04 May 2006 @ 01:11 am
I never asked you to do all those things for me. You offered everytime. I never tried to make you feel like I didn't appreciate it. Because I did. And I do. And I sit at home every night and think to myself before I go to bed, "Wow, I really am the luckiest girl ever."
I tell myself that you're too good to me and I don't deserve half the shit you do for me. I know you want to help and I know it's in your nature to try to fix things for me, but you have to stop. I have to let things happen every now and then. Something might just have to go terribly wrong before I'll understand. Or I will have to screw things up a few times before I get it right. But you have to let me go. I love you, and I love everything you do for me. But I have to do things on my own from now on.

Sorry. I couldn't hold that in. That's the end of that.             
Paula Love
30 April 2006 @ 01:11 am
I have nothing of importance to say other than I <3 OCC music majors.
Fun weekend so far and it's not over yet.
Paula Love
27 April 2006 @ 01:10 am
I just got home from Michael's house and the boys just left for Tennessee and when I was standing in the driveway watching them load all the equipment into the van and trailer it really hit me that tour is in a month. Everyone was just standing around smoking cigarettes and saying goodbye to Danielle and I. Rory gave me a hug and picked me up and spun me around and Derek and Greg gave me hugs and then when I went to say goodbye to John I just had this feeling in the pit of my stomach that this was an important goodbye. I hate that feeling so much. I don't get it a lot and they go out of town for a couple of days every weekend but for some reason it just felt bad. It makes me so nervous when they drive 16 hours with a van that has seen better days and a coat hanger holding the trailer instead of a pin. I feel so stupid, like a parent whose kid is going on a school trip for a week or something and they stand in the parking lot and watch the bus pull away. But everytime I see the van leave for a show out of town my eyes start to water and I can't control it. It's so dumb and that's what bothers me. It's like 3 days. Whatever, get over it Paula. But I just miss him a lot.

Kevalin, I don't know how you manage<3 haha
I need to get over feeling like this because if this is how I feel when they leave for 3 days I don't know what I'll do when that van pulls out of the driveway for tour. This is stupid, I should just go to sleep.

--->No blinding light, or tunnels to gates of white. Just our hands clasped so tight, waiting for the hint of a spark. If heaven and hell both decide that they are satisfied. Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs. If there is no one there beside you when your soul embarks, then I will follow you into the dark. 
Paula Love
25 April 2006 @ 01:10 am
                 I guess I have been feeling rather empty inside lately. I feel like everything I'm holding onto is falling through my fingers. I feel like the people I care most about don't feel so in return. Like, it doesn't matter in the end because I will keep caring and they won't even blink. But that doesn't mean that I'll stop, or walk away from them. Because honestly I hope that if nothing else, they can learn from me that it's okay to let new people in. That just because I haven't been there from the start doesn't mean I'm not always going to be. I care about them more than they'll ever know. And I miss the closeness some of us use to have. I guess in getting close with one person, you give up something with someone else. And it's sad that it has to happen that way, but you can't please everyone. It seems like you have to be friends with one or the other, because if you try to be on both sides then you're going to get torn apart.

I find myself missing all my old friends so much lately, but I know that no matter how hard I try, things won't be the same. Everyone has grown and drifted and that's not anyone's fault. People change and it's inconcieveably selfish to expect them not to. All we can really do is hope that they'll change for the better, and respect their decisions. And I think I try very hard to be accepting of this. But we all have our faults. I guess it's just painful sometimes to think that those memories are nothing but that. All I really want is to know that everyone that has ever been a part of my life, is happy with whatever it is they are doing or whomever they are with.

Things change, people change and situations change. And I'm, working through that right now. It's hard to start something with someone where there was always something more. It's hard to look into someones eyes when you know that they are unhappy with the decision they have made, but they did it anyways because they thought that was what was best for everyone else. I respect people that put everyone else's feelings before their own, but I think there is a point where enough is enough and you need to take care of yourself. Because if you're not happy with yourself or the decisions you have made it will effect everyone around you. I just hope that you understand what you're doing and that's what you want. Because I can't be the one to tell you otherwise, you need to figure it out on your own. And I respect you for taking off from the starting line, but it's going to be a long run to the finish line if you're not sure where you're going.

--->I'll write you and in my dreams, I'll lay on your chest to muffle your screams. And all the love I see, I'll hold it close to me in hopes that one day our secrets will be free. But now our light is gone, our white light that's home. Maybe love and peace are waiting for us somewhere other than this world. So we pray.

Paula Love
24 March 2006 @ 01:09 am
Okay, so I'm feeling a little better than the last time I posted. I want to kill people a little less. I don't know, my tolerance is just gone. I don't have the energy mentally, or physically to handle this kind of shit. And I apologize if I scare the hell out of all of you right now and you don't want to talk to me because you're afraid I am going to bite your head off, because honestly...I probably will. I just can't deal with anything anymore. Earlier today, my mom came home from work like usual and went straight into her bedroom. she does this everyday, she comes home and goes straight in and sits on her bed and reads the newspaper or watches TV until she falls asleep. She doesn't even talk to me anymore. She doesn't ask me how my day was and even though I rarely do anything exciting to tell her about, it would be ncie if she cared enough to ask. Or at least pretended to. Who knows. The other night I was in my room and I was laying in bed crying, and I guess I was sobbing pretty loud, I didn't know, I had my Ipod head phones on and couldn't hear myself. But I was pretty upset so I don't doubt that I was crying loudly. Well, the point is, my mom comes in because my crying woke her up. And she asks me what's wrong and I told her a bunch of stuff that was on my mind and she said "I have to work in the morning and it's almost 2 am, can we talk about this some other time?" NO WE CAN'T. Obviously, if I am crying myself to sleep every night, so loudly that it wakes you up from 2 rooms away...then it's gotten to a point where, no, I can't wait until tomorrow. But whatever, that just goes to prove my point that the only time anyone get's concerned about me, or offers to help me, is when I have hit rock bottom and start doing stupid things that are harmful to myself. And I didn't write out that little story about me crying the other night to get your stupid sympathy. It was to prove a point.
So after my mom came home and drifted into her room, I took a shower, because well...I think I smelled worse than I ever have before. Hah. Apparently not getting out of bed for anything, causes you to start to smell. So I showered, and then got some food and John came over to check up on me. You know, he's pretty damn amazing sometimes. Eh who am I kidding, ALL THE TIME. So we sat around and talked for a couple hours and then he took me for a ride in his mom's new car which he had because the truck is in the shop. But god damn, that's a nice Honda. That alone made my day better than anything we talked about hah, no I'm just kidding. But he wants us to go to a counsler on Monday and I think it might help. Just to have someone to talk to you know? Since all of our friends can't accept our relationship we have no one to talk to about shit that's bugging us other than each other. And I guess sometimes, that's not enough. So it'll be nice to have someone to talk to about stuff. And someone who actually knows what they're doing.
Tomorrow I am supposed to hang out with John and I'm sure Steve will get aorund to calling me eventually, after he is done living up Derek and Mike's ass. Other than that I have no idea what I'm doing this weekend. Tomorrow night is Seussical and I'd like to go to that, but like I said, I don't knwo what's going on with Steve. But we'll see.
I guess I really just feel like there's no one that wants to listen to my shit, and just be there for me. And the few people that actually do care enough to listen and be there, have heard it all so much that I don't want to dump any more of this shit onto them. I've noticed lately that some people just don't know when enough is enough. You can only listen to someone talk about the same thing for so long and I hate it because you want to listen and you want to be a good friend but god damn, sometimes you just can't take it anymore! So point being, I don't want to become one of those people. But I don't know anymore. I miss Shauna. I want to do something with her this weekend. Bah. I need to go to Buffalo. Anyone wanna drive me to Buffalo and drop me off?

Hmph this is pointless.
Paula Love
23 January 2006 @ 01:08 am
It feels so good to be back on campus.
I really missed it over break.
It's ridiculous coming from the girl who never liked school a day in her life.
I really miss being busy though.
I miss my friends.
I've come to the general conclusion that the people I was once close with are growing up and moving on in their lives and as long as they're happy, I'm not sure I mind if I'm not included in that life.
And the friends that I spend time with now, I wish I were closer to.
I don't think they really understand how much they mean to me.
And how all I've wanted for the past 4 years was to be one of them.
Oh well, some understand more than others.
I guess I'll just stick around. 
Paula Love
17 January 2006 @ 01:08 am
So far I'm not any happier in 2006 than I was in 2005.
I can't wait to get out of here.
Syracuse has nothing left for me.
I've never been this scared in my life
Paula Love
09 January 2006 @ 01:08 am
Tennessee Williams once wrote:
"When so many are lonely as seem to be lonely, it would be inexcuseabley selfish to be lonely alone."

All I really want to do right now is find KT and
hug her and cry on her shoulder because when it comes to best friends
she's the only one i'll ever really need.             
Paula Love
09 January 2006 @ 01:07 am
Another day gone by
Still no reason why
You say goodbye but then you cry
A million miles apart we lie

I opened every door to you
I put all my trust in you
You took advantage of it why?
Was every word you said a lie?

It's just another day that didn't go my way
It's just another day
Cause times change, your mind's rearranged
You walked away cause you started feeling strange
You knew from the start that this wasn't for you
But your feelings can't control the things that you do
That you do

I sit in here with all this fear
Empty thoughts and a blank stare
Trying to find a reason why
The ones you trust are the ones that lie

And was I wrong for trusting you
You said you just don't know what to do
When you're with her, you think of me
Cause change means losing security

It's just another day that you're living life this way
It's just another day
Cause times change, your mind's rearranged
You walked away cause you started feeling strange
You knew from the start that this wasn't for you
But your feelings can't control the things that you do
That you do

You say there's too much past with her
You can't throw it all away
But the past is all you have with her
History means security
That's what I say, it's just another day

Cause times change, your mind's rearranged
You walked away cause you started feeling strange
You knew from the start that this wasn't for you
But your feelings can't control the things that you do

Cause times change, your mind's rearranged
You walked away cause you started feeling strange
You knew from the start that this wasn't for you
But your feelings can't control the things that you do
That you do

It's just another day             
Paula Love
25 February 2005 @ 03:45 am
I had an extremely long day yesterday which I don't even want to talk about. At least not anything that happened before 4pm. But when my mom got home from work I went to the gym becuase I really wanna get back in shape and start playing lacrosse again. So I went to the gym. And luckily there's a tv in the cycling room and I watched The OC. After the gym I went over to Carolyn's and Brandon was there. Along with Simon and 2 of his friends. Who definatley seemed like cool people. They left shortly after I got there and Amy, Marie, and two guys who I didn't know came over. We played video games and hungout. I took Brandon to McDonalds and I went to the gas station. Exciting exciting. Except not really. On the way home I was thinking. That's when I do most of my thinking. In the car, on the highway, on the way home from Carolyn's. I love driving. Even when the weather is crappy. The stretch of 690, just past the fairgrounds is my favorite. When it gets really dark, as the lights of the city fade in my rear view mirror. And nights like yesterday, when the snow sparkles so much it looks like stars on the windshield. It really makes me enjoy the real things in life. The true beauty. Those drives can be lonely though. The long cold haul home in the dark. Depending on what time it is, sometimes there isn't a single car on the highway. It makes me feel like I'm drifting into an empty sleep. 
But I listen to my music really loudly, and sing a long at an ungodly volume and everything seems okay. Sometimes though, I come across a song that makes me think of Steve and I pretend he's there, so I can sing it to him. And then I get home and lay in bed thinking about what isn't right in my life now.
But I have Carolyn and Brandon. And they certainly fill my life with good stuff. I'm happy when I'm with them and they make my days so much brighter. I really am blessed to have such amazing friends. 

p.s. Amanda, I would appreciate it if you could find me a cute cowboy and send him to me. I'm sure there are some down there in Dolgeville.

Paula Love
22 February 2005 @ 03:48 am
So I went to a funeral today. This guy, Mike Indick went to our church. He was a really nice guy even though I don't remember him much. I do remember him always giving us candy during church though. He had 2 kids. Sean, who was my age and Amanda who is somewhere around the age of 13. I'm not sure specifically. Sean and I grew up together. We were in Sunday school together and we were always running through the church being trouble makers. Like, we used to play hide and seek in the sanctuary with Ben when we were little. And Bem was older, so he always got us in trouble. He used to convince us to hide in the choir room and then run and tell our parents that we weren't supposed to be in there. But it was fun. We were never really "friends" I guess. We were just little kids that played together. Then we stopped going to Liverpool UMC after Rev. Legro left. And the Indicks started going to Cicero. My mom was very close to Wendy Indick and so throughout the years they kind of kept in touch. You know, Christmas cards and school pictures. The whole deal. Sean and I played soccer together a couple years after that. Then about 5 years ago Mike had a stroke. He was really young so it was hard. He was pretty much paralized from that and had to be fed through a tube. It's really been a rough time for the family since then and it's almost a relief that he's in heaven now where he can be happy and not depending on everyone else. So we went to the funeral. The whole deal. Calling hours yesterday. (which were at the same funeral home where Teddy's calling hours were so that was really tough. It was like, all the sadness from this on top of the sadness of Ted all over again.) And the service at the funeral home this morning. Then the funeral procession. The funeral which was at a Catholic Church because Mike's family was Catholic. Then the burial in the cemetary because it was in a mosuleum? SP? and then the luncheon at the church afterwards. It was a looong day. The service was really nice though. I did pretty well through the whole thing. But I'm a baby so of course I cried a little. It was more because of Sean. Amanda sang "wind beneath my wings" and I looked over and Sean had his head buried in his knees and he was balling. I started crying too. Then they read a letter that Mike wrote before he died...or, had someone write for him. Because he knew he was going to die. It was funny. he had a really good sense of humor. It got everyone laughing instead of crying so that was good. It said "I really wish I could see who came to my funeral but they closed the lid on the casket and it's mighty dark in here" and something about "there's good ice cream and golf in heaven" So everyone wasn't so sad anymore. Sean stopped crying. 

It made me think about Carolyn and I prayed for her, because she is so strong. I don't know how she does it. I think that Sean and Amanda are going to be strong just like Carolyn. Having to take care of their dad while he was sick and then watching him die. There's no way you can come out of that without a good head on your shoulders. I wish I could be as strong as Carolyn when I lose loved ones. I still cry a lot about Ted. I miss him so much. And It makes me feel dumb sometimes because I'm still crying over it. I wish it wasn't so painful. Sometimes I feel like, I'm not allowed to cry over these people I've lost. Because I wasn't as close to them as other people. Like...when Grandma Kelly died, I couldn't help but cry. And I felt like I wasn't allowed to cry and be sad because she wasn't my grandma. And I didn't know her that well. And with Ted. Yeah we were friends. We hungout a lot too. We cared about each other a lot. And we were always there for each other. But when I looked at all his friends, I felt inferior. I didn't grow up with him like they did. And I didn't know everything about him. I'd never met his family before and I hadn't known him forever like they had. And it made me feel like I didn't deserve to cry over him. I constantly make myself feel like that. I don't know why. I'm always making myself feel unworthy of mourning. And Sean was like, it's ok. You can cry. You knew my dad, even if you don't remember him that well...You're still allowed to be sad. And if you still don't feel like you should be sad...Cry for me. Cry for my loss, and cry because you care about me. And I did. I cried for Sean. And for Amanda and Wendy. And Michael's family. And for Carolyn. And for Ted's family. And friends. And for anyone who has ever lost someone. I cried for you today.

If I speak in the tongues of men and angels, 
but have not love, 
I have become sounding brass or a tinkling symbol. 

And if I have prophecy and know all mysteries and all knowledge, 
and if I have all faith so as to remove mountains, 
but have not love, I am nothing. 

And if I dole out all my goods, and 
if I deliver my body that I may boast 
but have not love, nothing I am profited. 

Love is long suffering, 
love is kind, 
it is not jealous, 
love does not boast, 
it is not inflated. 

It is not discourteous, 
it is not selfish, 
it is not irritable, 
it does not enumerate the evil.
It does not rejoice over the wrong, but rejoices in the truth 

It covers all things, 
it has faith for all things, 
it hopes in all things, 
it endures in all things.

Love never falls in ruins; 
but whether prophecies, they will be abolished; or 
tongues, they will cease; or 
knowledge, it will be superseded.

For we know in part and we prophecy in part. 
But when the perfect comes, the imperfect will be superseded. 
Current Mood: sadsad
Current Music: Jimmy Eat World - Hear You Me
Paula Love
21 February 2005 @ 03:51 am
Steve and I are talking. And we have come to the conclusion that If MySpace had a messaging service and a journal feature kids would never leave their computers. Yes we are that awesome.

madam meee: So I've decided that if MySpace had a journal feature (other than that stupid blog thing) but an actual journal like livejournal. and a messaging service....it would take over the world.
Teleguy 0: hahaha
Teleguy 0: most likely
madam meee: I mean, if livejournal, myspace and AIM merged. No one would ever leave their computer.
Teleguy 0: there would be no reason to
madam meee: nope not at all.
madam meee: Dude, I have a Gmail account now. I am awesome.
Teleguy 0: esspecially since now you can order pizzas WHILE PLAYING EVERQUEST
Current Music: Modest Mouse - Tiny Cities Made of Ashes
Paula Love
20 February 2005 @ 03:52 am
Hmm. Yesterday was ok. I woke up and went to the Dolgeville Volleyball game to see my <3 Amanda. Because she is the best ever! Watched the game. It was a really good game. The girls lost but it was still a really close game. Went home after the game and showered, changed you know the deal. Went back to Carolyns and we hungout for a couple hours then eventually got ready for the show/party dealey. Brandon picked us up and we went to the show. Whoever put on that show clearly didn't know what they were doing because when we got there at like quarter to 9 there were still 4 bands that had to play and the kid only had the Westcott until 10. Genius. So all the bands were rushed and it sucked. BTH was pretty good though, for being rushed and all. Carolyn liked them. I knew she would. Ben gave them the best introduction ever. And everyone danced. And Carolyn and I C-walked. And I saw Jenna's cuteness. It was a grand time. 
After the show we went over to Carolyns to pick up a few things. Then off to the party on Euclid. Drank some beer, watched the Lipstick Killers and Boris motherfucking Karloff. It was a good time. Brandon made us leave at like 1, but it's ok because he had to work in the morning. And Weston wasn't there anyways so I didn't care. But Ben was sad that we were leaving. But after that we went back to Carolyn's and I passed out. Because I'm awesome like that. Oh maybe it's cuz I was up at like 7 in the morning yesterday! I dunno anwyay. Woke up at like 11 this morning and watched The Newlyweds and The Ashlee Simpson Show. My mom picked me up and now here I am. 
I'm bpred as fuck and I was talkin to mad people online and all of a sudden everyone's like I gtg at the same time! LAME. But I'm listening to the CURE becuase I'm awesome. And Rory is awesome. 

a21cntrydgtlboy: ROBERT SMITH
a21cntrydgtlboy signed off at 2:57:15 PM. 

Haha Robert Smith, then signs off. Whata guy.
This week's going to be hard because everyone's off school and I wanna hangout with people but #1 I have NO MONEY at all. #2 I have no phone so I have like, no way to get a hold of people. #3 I'm lazy. 
But I know I'm hanging out with Rory tomorrow and tomorrow night if Lyndsey is going to Stephs I wanna call and see if maybe I can stop by for a minute because I miss her. Tuesday? Wednesday Ben wants me to go to a party with him. Thursday? Friday? Get a hold of me if you wanna chill. Send me a myspace message or something.
Yeah I know I'm lame.
I wish I'd stayed asleep today.

Paula Love
19 February 2005 @ 03:53 am
Then ask me what it's like to have myself so figured out.
Yesterday was ok I suppose. Fixed my hair and went over to Carolyn's. As soon as I got there she was like "Colin just callled you wanna go to a party in Fulton?" Just the mere sentance was an oxymoron. Party, Fulton? Hah so I'm like yeah sure why not! And then Colin calls to say he and Mark are going to come get us. Very generous of them. And then we're talking to Brandon and he says he and Weston are going to go and that he might as well just drive instead of making Mark and Colin come all the way out. Makes sense. So Brandon get's here about an hour later, without Weston. I guess he decided he didn't wanna go. So with Weston not going, and a few things Carolyn told me earlier...I was starting to feel like I really didn't wanna go. But whatever. I figured I'd have a good time if I just went. So we went. And it's wasn't bad. I didn't have an awesome time or anything. I couldn't help but feel akward all night after what Carolyn told me. Honestly I hate when people keep secrets. Like...If you have a problem with me, or something I do bothers you or makes you feel "uncomfortable" just fucking tell me. Don't go and tell my best friends. Because it's going to get back to me and I hate it when that happens because then I feel like and asshole. Which I did the whole night. So that kinda put a damper on my night but whatever. I drank some beast and everything was splendid. Though I must say I am pretty awesome. I have a one of a kind This Is Why shirt. The only one like it! So be jealous. 
But anyway, It's 8am and I'm up way too fucking early. I'm going to the Dolgeville game in an hour or so. I'm waiting for my mom to pick me up. Then tonight Brandon's picking us up and Carolyn and I are going to their show at the Westcott and then to that party on Euclid. So it should be a fun day. I need to get some lovin at this so called party, or I'll probably lose my mind. The end.

I wish I knew.
Paula Love
16 February 2005 @ 03:55 am
This thing you call a headache is my only indication that I am infact, still alive.
Yesterday I left Carolyn's at 1pm and took my dog to the vet and they put her down. I cried a lot because I'm a baby. I love my puppy. After that I went home and showered etc. and went out to Fulton to pick up Colin. He was at Mark's so I hungout there while This Is Why practiced. The new song they wrote is pretty awesome. I'm excited to hear them play it at their next show. So after practice Colin and I came over to Carolyn's and hungout upstairs until Brandon got there. Then we went down into the basement and did what we usually do. Smoke cigarettes, play Soul Calibur and cuddle it up. I don't even know when Brandon went home. I think it was like 4am or something. I just remember Carolyn went in her room and went to bed and Colin and I fell asleep on the couch. I woke up at like 8 this morning and came up and got the baby up. Carolyn is still sleeping locked in her room and Colin is kinda sleeping. I feel really badly at times because I know Carolyn needs the sleep she's getting and I know it's really hard for her to wake up. And I really don't mind watching Amelia at all. I just feel badly because when Carolyn does wake up shes all "Why'd you let me sleep so late!" I hate waking people up. 
I dunno what I'm gonna do today. Carolyn has an appointment at like noonish so I told her I'd watch the baby and I dunno how she's getting to her appointment so maybe Colin will be nice enough to sit with Amelia for a minute while I run Carolyn downtown. I have like no gas though. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm literally freaking out. I used all my gas going to get Colin yesterday and I didn't get to the bank before it closed so I have no money. Not that there's really all the much money in the bank anyways. But I coasted into Carolyn's driveway on empty and I was supposed to have the car back this morning so my mom could go to work and I don't know what I'm doing. I'm gonna get my ass kicked when I get home is all I know. Ugh. I'm such an asshole. 
I'm still trying to figure out how I'm gonna get Colin cuteface home. I dunno I'll figure it out. 
I'm really just getting intolerant of most people right about now. Aside from Carolyn, Shannon, Brandon and Colin I really have no desire to talk to anyone right about now. 
I miss my CCYMers though. But I'm not about to make this a really long rant about all the stuff that pisses me off because it will never end.

woke up form my daily headache and the realization that you're gone.
Oh my sweet darling happiness you've been away from em all along.

Paula Love
15 February 2005 @ 03:56 am
If you find yourself here on my side of town

I'd pray that you'd come to my door

<b>Talk to me like you don't know what we ever fought about</b>

Cause I don't remember anymore

I just know that *he* warms my heart

And knows were all my imperfections are

And *he* said that I was the brightest little firefly in *his* jar
Paula Love
14 February 2005 @ 04:00 am
it's 7:17 am. i have been up for like 30 somethin hours.
it is valentines day and i hate boys.
carolyn is sleeping because she sucks so she willpay the price.
i drank labbatt and watched CMT.
a dixie chicks music video came on.
I decided to cut my hair.
i took carolyn's sicssiors and chopped all my hair off.
it is disgustingly un even.
i dont give a fuck.
not one single fuck.
i like it.
and so it shall stay.
Paula Love
14 February 2005 @ 03:59 am
So it's Valentine's Day. What a lovely sentimental little holiday. I hardly believe I'll have a good time today. As of midnight, V-Day's been a bust so far. Spent the night at Carolyn's house and got dropped off by my aunt so I didn't have the car. D was supposed to pick me up between 8:30 and 9:00pm and he forgot me. Brandon came over and it got real exclusive cuddles. So I reverted to the chair and watched TV trying to ignore it. Started thinking about how there's really only one place I want to be today and only one person I want to be with. And he doesn't seem to give 2 fucks about what I feel. So whatever. I'll spend it with my girl friend. Carolyn's a way better girlfriend than any of ya'll. The rest of the night was a bust. Somewhat literally from what I can tell. Brandon left for work around quarter to 5 am. Carolyn started falling asleep. Funny cuz at the beginning of the night I vaguely remember "i'm pulling an all nighter. i'll be up with the baby at 8 with coffee!" Nah, by 6 she was out. I got bored and chopped my hair off. I just hope I don't hate it by tomorrow. Whatever. Fuck it, hair grows back. 
So I got the baby up, and gave her breakfast. Tried to wake sleeping beauty up like 3 times. No dice. So now Amelia's taking a nap and I'm talking to Markle. This day really fucking sucks. I have no idea what I'm doing tonight. I think I'm just going to go home and go to sleep or something. Because Brandon's probably coming over to Carolyn's and I think this time I'll let them chill alone. That way no one gets excluded. Tomorrow night I'm hopefully going to pick up Colin's cute butt in Fulton. Then we're all hanging out at Carolyn's. Haha we were talking about Carolyn and Brandon and Colin said something really funny so I put it in my info. I'm fond of putting funny quotes in my info. Like Brandon's oh so amusing..."ok ok, you can touch it...but don't pull on it."
Colin seems to take the cake for funny AIM quotes as of lately though. That kids pretty awesome. I can't wait to hangout! 
Speaking of hanging out, I really wish Chris wasn't such a busy dude. I miss him! We haven't hungout in so long. Well aside from the Wanoa show last weekend but that wasn't really hanging out. We need to go driving again soon. I wish I hadn't fallen asleep last week when we were supposed to. Hmm...Maybe sometime this week. I'll have to schedule an appointment :P 
This next weekend is the Winter Retreat and I never got my reg. form in. So it looks like I'm not going. Not that I could afford it anyways, and my mom said she'd give me the money but all of a sudden backed out on me. Whatever. I love CCYM and I'm sad I'll miss it but I really don't have time and stuff to work with this stuff right now. And I'm kind of fed up because I sent out emails to all YSFers about stuff for Winter Retreat because we're doing this all on such short notice that we all really need to jump in on it. and No one got back to me at all. So I'm like...ok I'm not going out of my way to make this work if no one else wants to put the effort in. So whatever.
And on another note, that some of you may understand what I'm talking about since I've talked to you about it...I'm done. I'm walking away. I'm sick of being treated like I don't matter and I'm sick of waiting for it to get better when it's not going to. You can't try to change someone so I give up. Especially someone as stubborn and...well whatever. I've done my end and I'm not going 100% anymore. Meet me in the middle if you care oh so much.

Well, the baby's crying so I should go do something...
The end.